No buts....

I'm enjoying the anonymity of posting here. I only have one follower (Thanks, Kati!) and while I'll link my facebook page to this, I doubt many people will actually read it. My old blog was posted on a public forum and for some reason, a lot of people read it. Every month, they'd come out with a list of the Top 100 Bloggers (by site views) per month, and I ended up in the Top 10 a lot. Weird. That site also had an abuse reporting policy, so I had to censor myself and on top of that, my parents had the link to it. I'd call to chat and say hi and my parents would reference things they'd read in my blog. Meanwhile, my mind would start racing and I'd be thinking, 'Crap, did I write anything too personal? Did I mention anything about drinking or say anything anti-religion?! Ahhhh!' (Clearly, I often forgot that they actually read it.) Don't get me wrong, my parents are amazing people and I look up to them in a lot of ways. It's just that I think we've mutually decided that for the integrity of our relationship, there are just certain topics it's easier to avoid. (E.g., whether or not homosexuality is a sin, why did I feel the need to tattoo my body, and all the reasons I am probably going to Hell. Side note: Not sure why I automatically capitalized Hell? Also, realized that if I was saying the phrase 'going to Hell' out loud rather than typing it, it would be accompanied by a grand hand gesture. I am such a 'talk with my hands' kind of person.) So, anyway, I suppose my point to all this is to let my dear brother and sister know not to send the link of this one to my parents. (P.S. You guys are awesome, too.)

Alright, on to my rambling thought of the day. I've realized that I can be pretty damn negative when talking/thinking about my training. (Yes, I prefer to call it training instead of running, is that ok?) For example, the following statements have come out of my mouth regularly: 'Yes, I'm in Charlotte Running Club, but I'm not very fast', 'We ran about 8:30ish pace, which is pretty good for me' and 'I ran X number of miles this week, but I know people who do twice what I do.' I pretty much need to stop this. It doesn't help me in any way. I know how important confidence is and how far positive affirmations can take a person. I'm pretty sure I was offered my current job because I went into the interview telling myself the entire time that I had the job and acting like I already had it. I was convinced and apparently, convinced them as well. As a primarily cognitive behavioral therapist, I pretty much base my theory of human behavior on the power of positive thinking. Of course, there's more to it than just thinking positively, you have to actually put in the work, but I'm sitting here flashing back on the number of times I've confronted clients by saying, 'Hmm, now how does it help you to have that thought/compare yourself to that person/beat yourself up?' That answer was always, 'It doesn't.' Also, not a single positive affirmation I practiced with a client ever had a 'but' at the end of it. Not one.

I think what's especially hard about this concept with me and running is that I honestly still know very little about it. I've come a long way since I first read 6x800's and thought to myself, 'Wtf does that MEAN?', but I have a long way to go. I know a fair amount about different types of workouts and what paces are appropriate for me to run but I really don't know much about what this means to me personally. I don't know how to choose what type of track workouts I should be doing. Heck, I'm still just figuring out what type of mileage my body can handle without breaking down. I don't know if I want to focus totally on distance or more on shorter, faster races. Or maybe I really want to get seriously into trail running. And geez, I know very little about that. I also have no idea how to set realistic goals for myself. I think I can realistically run in the low 22 minute range for a 5K, but maybe I'm wrong. I'd love to run a 1:45 half marathon but is that just wishful thinking? I DON'T KNOW. I'd love to have a coach, massage therapist and nutritionist on speed dial but that just isn't realistic for me financially.

What I do know is that I'm a much stronger runner, physically and mentally, than I was a year ago and I'm pretty sure I'll be stronger still a year from now. I've learned some things that work and some things that don't. And if you happen to ask me about my training and I seem to be sputtering, I'm probably trying to stop myself from saying 'but....'

Or maybe I'm choking. Check on that first.

Moments

I'm blogging again! I decided to stop posting at my old blog site because it started being all about who could get the most comments and the most attention and that's not why I write. But I've been really missing it. I like how grounded I feel after sitting in front of my computer with just me and whatever I'm feeling at the time. I have a hard time slowing down my thoughts and writing gives me time to organize whatever the heck it is that goes on upstairs. Although, actually, for anyone that chooses to read what I write, it probably won't be that organized. Occasionally, I'll write something well thought out, but mostly I just kind of ramble and try to make some sense. Maybe at least to myself, if not to anyone else.


Anyway, I really decided I wanted to start a blog again while out running on a random Tuesday evening. I went into that run thinking that I'd run six miles, my legs telling me that they really didn't even want to run, but my heart telling me to just suck it up and see what the hell happened. My legs felt like concrete for the first couple of miles and they were still tired from my first trail half marathon (actually, my trail race at all ever...) two days prior. But it was gorgeous outside, I actually had nowhere to be that night, I was pissed at myself for sleeping in that morning instead of dragging myself out of bed to run, and I had this weird restless stirring that told me to keep going. So, I stretched a bit and kept going and eventually the legs started feeling better.


So, that's the boring stuff. Here's the part I really want to write about. I started thinking on this run about how running is made up of moments. Many of us write race reports and workout recaps and inevitably include some of our thoughts and feelings that occur during these events. But, it would literally be impossible to capture every thought and feeling that occur during a single workout. So, instead, we focus on the moments during a run that stand out to us. I remember one particular moment during my trail race where I was filled with absolute joy. Like, kid in a candy store, shit-eating grin on my face, bliss. I can't even explain why. I just know I want to feel that again. There was a moment on this random Tuesday run where I got a lump in my throat and actually started crying. I'm still not sure why that happened. I know that I was thinking about a text I'd received that morning from my former boss that a client I'd had at my first post-grad school job had been killed following an attempted robbery. It's weird...I mean, I hadn't even seen the guy in about four years. I think it just hit me how much of myself I'd put into being a substance abuse counselor, how hard it been for me, how cynical I'd become, and how frustrating it was to hear that years later, this guy was still out robbing people and that it had led to the loss of his life.


I ended up running ten miles that evening, which is pretty long for me for a middle of the week training run. But that emotional moment really only comprised about five minutes of that entire run. And yet, it's the one I remember. Sorry...I don't know what my splits were. I don't really remember how my breathing felt. Guess this just isn't going to be that kind of blog.