Lessons From a Kindergartner

One thing (among many) that I love about my job is that my clients typically teach me as much as I teach them. Today was no exception. I do a lot of art activities with my really young kids because it really is a major form of expression for them, not to mention the fact that you just can't sit down with little kids and start talking about deep subjects. Anyone who has even taken Psych 101 should know Piaget's developmental theory that children don't develop abstract thinking until they're in adolescence, sometimes late adolescence. There...do you guys like how I just justified my use of crayons on a daily basis by using my educational prowess?

So, today I was elbows deep in art supplies with one of my regular clients, a 6 year old who lost her father last year to cancer, and I offhandedly made the comment that I felt like there were really a lot of shades of brown crayons. (We were trying to find the perfect shade of green at the time.) My client stopped what she was doing, looked up at me, and said, "Well, if you feel it, then that's how it is." WHOA. That's pretty damn profound. I actually had to stop and sit back with that one for a minute while she found the crayon she wanted and continued coloring. Her statement got me thinking back to grad school, when one of my professors said that a person's perception IS reality to them, whether or not others would consider it to be so. It's usually pointless to try to argue logic in that situation and we can even push people away if we try to do so. I don't mind sharing (nor do I think he would mind me sharing) that my Dad has been dealing with some anxiety lately. Most of the things he identifies as anxiety triggers would be brushed aside by many people as ridiculous. But to him they're real. Because he feels it.

This is a pretty important lesson for most of us, I think. I can personally admit that I've put out some negative energy in my life. I can be judgmental at times. I've been guilty of gossiping. I'm not beating myself up, just stating behaviors that most of us are guilty of at some point and time. But, imagine if everyone could take a lesson from a 6 year old and just say...'It sounds like you're feeling (insert negative emotion). I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm here for you. How can I help?'...instead of judging someone for how they feel. I think most of us just want to be understood in some way.

Ok, so it seems I'm feeling a little Pollyanna today. Well, I am. After a rough patch, things are kind of turning around for me. Work stress has settled and I kind of have a crush on my job...sure, I'd love to make more money but I really love what I do and I adore my coworkers, supervisor and boss. I have never worked somewhere where I was this supported. Running is also going GREAT. I've started off the new year adding a weekly track workout to my schedule and I couldn't be happier about it. I've found the right people to train with...they're dedicated and they push me. I'm scared to set too many goals just yet, but I know my hard work is going to pay off at some races this year. I'm also just genuinely having fun right now....which is good for me, since I tend to struggle with the taking care of myself/having fun balance. I think I've been able to take some life experiences and turn them into learning experiences and I'm just pretty happy with how things are going right now overall.

Wonder what I'll learn tomorrow!

Tourists

I've had some conversations and seen some posts about 'the tourists' at the gym, or the hordes of people that flock to the gym ripe with resolutions of getting in shape for the new year. It becomes next to impossible to find a parking spot and one has to arrive at least 30 minutes prior to any spin class in order to get a bike. Sure, it's a bit of a pain, but truly, the 'tourists' don't really bother me. First of all, I'd honestly feel like an asshole complaining about someone doing something to better themselves, even if it doesn't last past March. Also, if you consider yourself enough of a workoutaholic where you think it's ok to refer to someone else as a 'tourist', you can probably deal with a little bit of inconvenience in order to work out. We've all woken up at 5 AM for workouts, ran in the rain, ran in the snow, ran when it's hot as hell, is it really that big of a deal to have to get to the gym a little earlier? Probably not. Also, somewhat selfishly, this time of year probably means some people there in worse shape than I am and then I can OWN my spin and Pilates classes like a champ.

I guess I'm taking this on as an issue because I think about how I've felt at times being referred to as a 'slower' runner. So, I guess to some people, I'm a 'tourist' at running, comparatively. I know enough not to stand near the front at a race, because, well, that would just be stupid and I would consider it well-deserved if I did that and got trampled. But, it got me thinking...what is that magical barrier that determines whether you're 'fast' or not? I've set a goal for myself of running under 22 minutes this year in the 5K distance. I feel like I would consider that fast. And I think I can do it (although, I've got a LOT of work to and have to actually go sub-23 first). But, in the meantime, I hope no one calls me a tourist.

Continuing the Upswing

I think I can say with confidence that something in me has shifted. Today was a big step in the right direction. Today reminded me of something else that I have going in my life that makes me happy: there are moments in my job that truly remind me that I've found my calling. Today was good...it wasn't anything monumental, just a reminder that building relationships is a strength of mine. I had four home visits and they all went well. It actually can be considered a minor victory that all four of them were home and opened the door, but they were actually all positive experiences, too. My heart especially melted when one of my clients, who is in kindergarten, told me he'd been looking out the window waiting for me to arrive when I got there. One of my visits involved completing an assessment on a new client, which is always exciting to me. The counselor-client relationship is something so different than any other relationship and a lot of the time, the initial assessment sets the tone for the entire process. The one today ended with the Dad telling me he was pleased and thought I would be a good fit for his daughter, which is especially satisfying since he's a self-pay client and will be paying in excess of $100 per session.

Whenever I work with a client to set a goal, I always like to ask the question, 'How will we know when...(that goal has been achieved)?' I think it's important to set measurable goals. As we identified goals at the end of today's assessment, it got me thinking about my own goals. I think I do a pretty good job of setting goals for myself, but I don't think I do always do a good job of making them concrete. As far as running goals so, I think I'd like to sit down sometime in the next few days and write out a tentative race schedule and make some plans. I'm too scattered without a plan and I'm craving some consistency right now.

Another goal I have right now is improving my self-confidence. How will I know when I'm making progress on this goal? This is the tough part...but here goes... I've realized that I'm one of the most indecisive people that I know. It's a miracle that I ever make a decision at all. Ever. Seriously, sometimes menus frighten me. Anyone that's facebook friends with me has probably noticed that I change my mind about my running goals weekly. I used to call my periods of indecision 'my little existential crises.' Part of this is just my personality, but part of it indicates a lack of self-confidence. I second-guess myself a lot. I also seek validation a lot. So, for me, an indication that I'm making progress in becoming more self-confident is that I don't have to seek anyone else's opinion when I make a decision. I can just make it and be ok with it. And also not worry if someone is going to judge me because of my decisions. If someone can't accept me for my flaws, then I probably shouldn't be friends with that person anyway.

I've sought a lot of opinions lately and gotten a lot of good advice and for that, I'm thankful. I've also probably been judged a lot lately, too and I've accepted that. There have also been some situations where I thought people were judging me and found out they actually weren't and I'm genuinely appreciative of that, too. I'm currently making some decisions that I feel good about and that's the most important thing. I just have to have faith that if I continue to consistently make choices that I know are positive for me, that good things will continue to happen. I hope so, anyway.

Long Overdue

I really have to start doing this again more often. I'm not sure why I can't seem to make myself take the time to sit down and write out my thoughts lately, but I'm going to attribute it to the period of self-destruction I went through recently. Actually, I'm not sure I can even use the term 'went through.' I'm not entirely sure it's done. Mentally, I'm feeling a lot better and my motivation for running and physical activity is definitely back, so I'd say I'm at least on an upswing.

I actually was kind of inspired to sit down and write Monday night but I didn't. I should have. I felt happier Monday night than I've felt in a long time, mainly because I felt some hope return. Looking back over the last month, I really had no reason to actually LOSE hope, but I did. I want to always be someone who can look back and live without regrets, and I also know that regrets are pointless....you know what? Scratch that. Regrets AREN'T pointless. No, we can't change the past (blah blah blah), but if I fuck up, hopefully I don't fuck up again (at least in the exact same way...I actually fuck up all the time). But that isn't what Monday night was about, so I'm going to try to take this one topic at a time. After much anticipation, I received a pair of Mizuno Ronins for Christmas. I figure if I can't be fast, I can at least be as fast as I can be and at the VERY least, look legit trying. Of course, as soon as I opened my shoes, it started to snow and didn't let up for 24 hours, at which point 14" of snow had been dropped in the yard at my parents' house. (LET THE STIR CRAZINESS COMMENCE.) I couldn't even get out of the house until Monday morning, and then it was only to frolick around in snow up to my knees until my toes felt like they were going to fall off.

But then, my saviors (aka the guys that drive the snow plows) arrived and the roads were clear(ish). Finally, I got to play with my Christmas present! I've written before that going home can kind of depress me with how sad and desolate everything looks, but it's a different place when it's covered with snow. I felt like singing 'The hills are aliiiiiive with the sound of music' while I ran, that's how happy I felt. (Which really makes no sense, since northeastern North Carolina is as flat as a pancake.) But, on top of feeling happy, I felt good and strong. I hadn't had a good run in weeks, which I attribute in a large part to 'the period of self-destruction.' It was the type of run that made me feel like I can do something special this year, and even impress people by doing something other than throwing good parties and being able to drink A Lot.

Which leads me to the next topic...I know what makes me happy, why must I insist on rebelling every few months? Just before Thanksgiving, I essentially gave myself permission to 'have fun.' (I use those words loosely.) I figured...I'm not training for anything specific right now, I just ran a crappy marathon, it's cold outside...fuck it, let's party. Except that partying has never really made me happy. Oh, it's fun for a while, but it always leaves me feeling drained and empty after a while. It was especially bad this time. I really messed some things up and lost myself in the process. I don't really have anything else to say on the topic other than I don't ever want to feel that way again. I also don't want to bring anyone else down with me.

So, that brings me back around to the (happy?) conclusion to this rambling hodge-podge of words. As I said earlier, I hope that at the very least, I've learned how not to fuck up again. And here is how I'm going to go about doing that:

1) Stop being selfish. Everything isn't about me and it is very helpful to be able to put myself in someone else's shoes and imagine what they might be going through instead of having a pity party about how crappy I feel.

2) Be more confident. I am awesome and worthy of being cared about and I don't know why I forget that sometimes.

3) Recognize that I don't always have to make peace with everyone. Sometimes you can't be friends with people and that's just how it is.

4) Be more appreciative of my friends. No, really, you guys are the shit.

5) Utilize a healthy coping skill when I'm upset. Exercise works better for me than alcohol. I should know this by now.

6) Stop being so damn scared of getting hurt. Yes, it hurts, that's why it's called 'getting hurt.' But I can handle it and I'm still willing to take some risks.

7) Have a positive outlook. Always. Maybe things won't always work out my way, but I've never heard anything say, 'You know, I spent too much of my life in a good mood.'

Um...I think that's about it for now.

So, I like metaphors...

When I was a kid, my family and I used to play softball in our front yard. There's a semi-circle driveway that goes around my parents' house and I remember that if I was able to hit the ball far enough to go to the other driveway, I was pretty proud of myself and if I hit it past the other driveway and almost into the field  beside the house, I was pretty sure I was headed for the Olympic softball team one day. Being home for Thanksgiving earlier this week, I realized how tiny that yard actually is.

Sadly, that pretty much sums up how I feel about going home. Going home and taking it easy for a couple of days no longer relaxes and rejuvenates me the way it used to. It actually leaves me kind of depressed. It makes me wonder if Northampton County always looked so sad and desolate and I just didn't realize it as a kid because it was all I knew. Every time I go home, my Dad inevitably makes some kind of comment about wishing I lived a little closer. I can't even imagine what life would be like there.

Being from a psychology background, my experience at home this week made me think about the nature vs. nurture argument. No one side of this debate will ever win and ultimately, I believe it's a continuum and we all fall in different places along the spectrum. Somehow I've ended up with completely different values and beliefs than my parents, even though I grew up surrounded by their views on life. I've always kind of had this feeling that although I do think my parents did a great job raising me, on some level, I would have turned out the same regardless. But I've seen environment play a huge role in people's lives as well. I've worked with kids who changed completely as soon as they were placed in a safe, supportive atmosphere. However, I think a lot of people tend to rely on the nurture argument to excuse their behavior. I remember one particular client that kept spouting out racist comments. Being a therapist, unconditional positive regard is first and foremost, but it was tough for me to keep my cool when this guy explained that he had 'gotten his beliefs from his father.' What was this guy in therapy for? Anger management and a couple of assault charges, of course, so I was able to (non-judgmentally) help this guy recognize that when you carry around hate all the time, it's going to affect your level of anger.

Anyway, there were some bright spots on the trip home. I was able to run a few miles with my cousin on Thanksgiving Day and had a good conversation during the run. I hope we can run together at Christmas, too. Thanksgiving morning, my Dad took me for a ride in his new truck so he could show me every bell and whistle on it and have some good father-daughter heart to heart chat time. My Dad deserves to have something nice and I'm also glad he feels like he can talk to me on an adult level.

Sadly, though, overall this week has left me feeling a bit down on myself. Running hasn't felt that great this week and I'm not sure I can PR at the Thunder Road Half and not sure I want to pay to do it if I can't. I'm tired of feeling like I throw myself into things and am unable to reap the benefits (running and otherwise).

To at least end this blog on a positive note (and since it's Thanksgiving week), one thing I'm extremely thankful for is my friends. I have some really great people in my life...friends I can talk to, friends that I have fun with, friends to run with, friends that know my weaknesses and still accept me. More than likely, if you're reading this, you're included in that group somewhere and thank you.

Where I get mad at myself for being emo and put on my big girl panties.

Yeah, I have no idea what got into me yesterday. I can't even blame it on hormones. I genuinely don't know what it was. All I really know to say is that overall, I think that I can describe myself as a pretty happy, upbeat, enthusiastic person. As a matter of fact, my 'enthusiasm' was identified as one of my biggest strengths at my recent job performance review. But even happy people have their down days. I'd probably describe how I felt yesterday as overwhelmed. (I'm a freakin' therapist and that's all I can come up with?) It actually felt strangely kind of good to just let myself be in a bad mood...I tend to take it upon myself to be there for everyone else and stay positive most of the time. Well, sometimes I want to be pissy and I want people to listen to me (or read about my pissiness), too.

The good news is that I'm over it. I had this really productive day...I actually went to bed early last night and woke up at 4 AM and got all kinds of stuff done for work. I had a good day at work. Going back to working with kids was so the right decision. Working with substance abusers typically left me feeling more cynical and angry at the world and kids have this way of making me think that the world is all sunshine and rainbows and bunnies. (And Play-Doh, of course, because Play-Doh is the shit.)

And, since I like to be honest when I sit down and write, part of getting over it is admitting what some of the root of the problem is. I've been watching a lot of friends just kill it lately at races and that hasn't happened to me in a long time. Simply put, I'm jealous. Don't get me wrong, I am also truly, genuinely happy for these people and if you ever hear me tell you congratulations or see me leave a congratulory facebook comment, I mean it beyond a shadow of a doubt. It's just time for me to figure out what works for me, too. But as Scott reminded me yesterday, there are plenty of people that would look at what I've accomplished over the last year as something epic. I think that what all this jealousy really means is that I've reached a point in my life where I've surrounded myself with some pretty badass people. So, I accept my position as a badass-in-training. I will try to join the ranks soon.

Another thing that has me a little fired up today is reading the comments about CRC on the Run with Theoden facebook page. We've got some great ideas and some good energy flowing right now and I'm excited to be a part of that. I think we're setting the bar high and I really want to live up to those expectations.

So, really, things have been going pretty well for me lately. Up next: running enough this week to justify everything I want to eat at my Mom's house for Thanksgiving, putting up my Christmas tree, running a respectable time at the Thunder Road half, figuring out some New Year's plans, and making some big adjustments to my training in 2011.

Yes, I know I haven't written ANYTHING in ages and I also know that I have nothing productive to say here. (Don't judge me.)

I'm in a weird funk today. I'm bummed out about a lot of things...I'm (still) bummed out about how much I sucked at MCM, I'm bummed out that Karin got hurt today in Philly, I'm bummed out about the injustices of the world, I'm bummed out I don't have more money, and I'm bummed out I can't fix everything for everyone all the time. (How's that for an irrational thought, Aaron Beck?)

Figured a trail run would break me out of the funk, since that usually makes me happy. Ran with Scott at Francis J. Beatty. I'd never run there before and I liked it and would definitely run there again. Unfortunately, Scott turned his ankle on a root and had to limp it in at the end. Bummed about that, too. Frick. (Am I just bad luck today?) Also, this dog was out there without a collar that appeared to belong to no one and and just kept running circles around Scott and I. No idea why this bothered me as much as it did. I actually like dogs. It just kept distracting me when I strangely wanted to feel focused today.

I think I'm also going to use this post to talk about how much I don't want to do another marathon for some time. I know people are going to try to pressure me into it. I've already had several people ask me why I don't want to. The simplest answer I can come up with is this: I don't like them. I'm glad I ran two this year and proved to myself that I can go from a Bojangle's-eating-at-least-once-a-week, partying-too-hard, smoker to what I would consider a moderately serious runner. Cool. I needed to know I could do that. But, guess what? No one says you have to run multiple marathons a year to be a runner. Running is definitely a huge part of my life now and that's not changing. But I really want to use this year to find out what I'm good at, and more importantly, what makes me happiest. Maybe it's trail running. Maybe it's busting my ass to get better at 5K's. (I actually think that might be what it is. Also, this is a hell of a lot cheaper.)

This entry is completely devoid of linear thought, so here goes. I have this confession to make. Occasionally I worry that people that can run fast will not want to be my friend if I never run any faster. Of course, then I tell myself that's silly. (Or, is it?)

Hmm, alright, clearly feeling kind of vulnerable today so I'm going to stop writing before I write something that I'm going to regret.