I've been wanting to sit down and update the blog for a little while now but just haven't found the right time. I had planned on writing a full race recap of Cupid's Cup and then that night went to shit and I just didn't feel up to it.
But...I'm happy about that race and always will be. Sure, Cupid's Cup is an 'easy' course and lots of people got PR's that day but for me, what made that race so great wasn't even really specifically my time, but the fact that I ran that race with confidence, felt great, finished with a lot in the tank, and surpassed my expectations. Metaphorically, that race lit a fire under my ass and left me with the confidence to push even harder. Sadly, the one person that I wanted to be happy for me and impressed just...wasn't. But, such is life.
So, it's been a rough couple of weeks. On the positive side, the 'old' Emily would have likely crumbled under the pressure or sunk deeply into an apathetic state. Instead, I'm happy to say that the modern version of me allowed myself to feel deeply some things I needed to feel and then...found some positive ways to deal. It feels good not to feel apathy. It feels good to want to be good at what I do. It feels good to experience some meaning in life.
On the other hand, not feeling apathy means finding a way to balance the roller coaster of emotions I'm experiencing again at work. I'm learning to hold it together when I need to and then let it out when I'm alone if it needs to happen. Before I started writing tonight, I actually had a little emotional meltdown as I thought about this one kid that's on my caseload. Tears are streaming down my face again as I write this sentence because I'm just so scared and saddened for this kid. And I feel helpless. I know that I'm not the appropriate person to work with this kid. I know that my job is basically to find him the resources he needs and then kick him off my caseload. Not because I don't care about him, but because he needs so much more than I can give him. This kid has a seizure disorder and the seizures were basically controlled with medication...until recently. After a scary episode in my office a couple of weeks ago, the school nurse informed me it was just 'pre-seizure activity' he experienced while with me and was 'nothing to worry about.' A doctor visit earlier this week confirmed that he is actually having seizures and they're now occurring approximately ten times a day. I don't even know how to begin to describe what's going on with this kid, but suffice it to say, it's progress if he participates in an activity. It's major progress if he smiles while doing it. I don't know exactly what I'm accomplishing with this kid, but I know he likes me. And more importantly, I know he trusts me.
So, when the jerking began again today, I felt a little more prepared because hey, I can't cry in front of him like I'm doing right now. He needs to know it's ok and that I'm there to help and support him. The hard part is, he's getting more and more scared every time it happens. Today, in my office, he fell and pulled a box of toys down with him when it happened. When the tremors passed, he jumped up and went straight into my arms. Usually, I have some pretty major boundaries when it comes to touch with clients, but this time I didn't care. At this point, I know that all I can do is keep doing my best and continue working toward getting this kid the testing and resources he needs. Meltdown over...I feel better.
So, the coping thing has been pretty ok. I work...hard. And I run hard, too. My legs feel like trash right now but I'm satisfied. I feel motivated and I like that. If nothing else, I want to prove something to myself this year.
In the meantime, sometimes I just have to remember to breathe.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Me Talk Runner One Day
| Date: | 02/02/2011 5:45:00 PM |
| Workout: | Aerobic Capacity Intervals |
| Course: | |
| Distance: | 3.25 mi |
| Time: | 21:42.00 (6:40 / mi) |
| Warmup/Cooldown: | 3.4 mi |
| Comments: | Feel like I slightly redeemed myself from last week. I made up a workout for myself tonight. Apparently, this is what I do now. Did 1x1600, 2 min rest, 2x800 with 1:30 rest after each, 4x400 with 1:00 rest after each, and 2x200 with :30 rest. I have to work on what my 'goal pace' is on workouts like this. I mainly just knew I wanted to start at slightly faster than 5K pace and get faster with the shorter intervals. Ran with Jessica B., so it's good to have another workout partner. Did some googling on the foot pain I've had the last couple days, sounds like Morton's Neuroma. Picked up a metatarsal pad to put in my shoe and it worked really well. Didn't hurt at all during workout and only a little after. Will throw some ice on it tonight. Splits: 6:58 3:18 3:22 1:35 1:35 1:35 1:37 :48 :43 Not bad. |
Alright, so I just copied and pasted that straight from my athleticore log. A few notes about this...one, I actually care enough to log all my runs and workouts now. Two, I remember reading about workouts like the one I posted when I started running two years ago and thinking...what the EFF? What kind of weird runner language is that? (What does it MEAN?)*
*Thanks to Dusti and Caleb for introducing me to the double rainbow guy.
I remember why I started running. Well, I say 'started running.' It's not like I had never run before and then one day the leg braces flew off and it was magic. I actually went through a phase in grad school where I was going to the gym a lot. I ran on the treadmill, did the elliptical, and went to kickboxing and Pilates classes pretty regularly. But that pretty much went to shit when I moved to Charlotte. So, although I had dabbled in the past, I look at February 2009 as my running debut. So, what were the reasons I started running? At the time, I needed a distraction, something to keep me busy, so that was one reason. I was also trying to quit my nasty habit of off and on smoking. (I had been known to destroy a pack by myself in a night of drinking.) I also wanted to meet new people. While I had some good friends, I felt really stuck in that 'not a kid anymore, but not quite a grown-up' phase and I wanted more friends that I felt like would be good influences on me.
The reasons why I kept running are very different than those initial reasons. Two years later, smoking is a pretty distant past habit (although I can admit I've slipped occasionally but it's been few and far between), I definitely stay busy, and my entire social circle has changed. Somehow, along the way, I even ended up social director for Charlotte Running Club. What I didn't expect was to fall head over heels in love with running. I love competing against myself and pushing myself to faster times. I like not knowing what my potential is just yet. I love how it feels to finish a hard workout or a long run. Racing has become a big deal to me.
I used to think it was nuts how serious people were about running. Now, don't get me wrong, I have a long ways to go to move up to what I would consider the 'next level' of running. But the runner I was two years ago would be in awe of the runner I am today. So, maybe my workout tonight wasn't anything mind-blowing to an elite runner, but I'm proud to say I speak 'runner talk' now.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Fast is relative, too?
What a good weekend!
I haven't written a 'race report' in a while, because I feel like so many are better at it than I am, but I really want to write one about my experiences at the Hot Chocolate 10K in Asheville yesterday. However, in true Emily fashion, I'm going to pull in some other details and also share some lessons I learned from this race and my weekend with my fellow Charlotte Running Club board members.
The weekend started at 5PM Friday afternoon, when Scott picked me up at my house and we hit the road for Asheville. It was an uneventful drive and Scott and I had a good time talking about music on the way up there. I haven't shown my music nerdiness in a while and it was really fun. We arrived at the house just after 7, where we met up with Allen. Allen gave us the tour and Scott, Allen and I ran around the house like we were on The Real World. The first thing we noticed when we walked in the door was a fantastic smell wafting through the air. The owner of the house had MADE US BREAD in the house's breadmaker. Talk about hospitality! The house was just awesome. It had already been pre-decided that the master bedroom would be given to Caitlin and me, because apparently 'dudes don't sleep together.' No complaints here, although we did get some laughs at the sex marks on the wall behind the wrought-iron bed that she and I shared for the weekend. (They were already there, guys, nothing to see here.)
Scott, Allen and I met up with Jay, Caitlin, Matt, Aaron, and Ben for dinner at Asheville Brewing Company. Billy got a bit of a late start and would be meeting us later at the house. The pizza was great and so was the beer (we split a few pitchers of Boogie Down Brown...yum). There was also a comfortable feeling of comaraderie in the air as we joked and talked about movies. No need to get down to business just yet. I knew it was going to be a fun weekend. I commented to Scott and Allen that I appreciated that I kind of felt like one of the guys for the weekend, and it was confirmed that I'm 'cool.' (Whew.)
I showered and crashed after we got back to the house and I slept great. I woke up the next morning, had a bagel with peanut butter and honey, and we caravaned to the race. Scott, Allen and I listened to gangsta rap on the way and confirmed that we are the three whitest people in America. It was COLD outside (somewhere around 22 degrees) but there wasn't much wind and it was a beautiful day. I had opted for capri tights, long sleeve shirt, CRC singlet, two pairs of gloves and a headwarmer and knew that although I was cold at first, this was about right for the temperature.* Also, was wearing my Ronins for the first time in a race. I realized how focused I was on this race as I sat in the backseat of the shuttle on the way to the race. (I was thinking, 'Ahhh ha, hush that fush, everybody move to the back of the bus.') I had ended up telling a few people that I wanted to run sub-49, even though I knew that would be a fairly big PR for me and pretty close to my current 5K PR pace.
*I would be remiss if I didn't mention somewhere that Matt was wearing a short bathrobe that was provided by the house in lieu of warmups.
Packet and chip pickup and bag check went smoothly and I went back outside to warm up. Sadly, warming up before a race is something pretty new to me, too. I had run into Lauren, Boriana, and Sarah at chip pick-up and warmed up for a bit with Lauren and Sarah. We decided to run down and back up (very slowly) the hill that made up the last quarter mile or so of the race. Um...crap. That hill kind of SUCKED. I got pretty nervous and thought about re-adjusting my goal a bit but had heard the rest of the course was pretty flat so I figured surely I'd be able to handle it. I continued a bit of the warm-up by myself and then ran into Allen and he and I trotted around the parking lot a bit.
After drinking a little water and chatting a bit more with the Charlotte crew, it was time to line up. I did something else a little differently at this race and actually lined up fairly near the front. It's time to get some confidence and as it turned out, I started right where I should have been. There were 1000 runners registered, so it was a decent-sized race.
And we're off! First mile was a steep downhill, so I just relaxed into it, opened my stride and let gravity do the work. I knew this was going to be a fast mile but my strategy for the race was to just run by effort level and try not to stress too much about time. After the first mile marker, I was running in a pack with about 3-4 guys. This was weird for me. It felt strange to look ahead of me and only see 1-2 women and lots of guys. I settled in to a pace around 7:45 and realized that while this didn't feel 'easy', it felt better than I'd ever felt running that pace and it certainly felt sustainable for a good amount of time. This gave me some confidence.
The course continued along this one road for a while and around 2.75 miles into the race, the leaders appeared going in the other direction. The two guys in first and second were just hauling ass, it was ridiculous. Aaron appeared shortly after those two guys and it was really cool to see him and be able to yell, 'Go Aaron!' Billy was a few spots back after that, then Matt, then I saw Boriana and Allen as we turned into a park for part of the course. I got so pumped seeing everyone that I picked up the pace a little here and glanced at my watch to see 23:19 when I hit 3.1 miles. Technically, a 5K PR but I knew I wouldn't run as fast on the second half of the course since we didn't have any more big downhills and in fact, that monster hill loomed ahead. It also felt weird to leave the park and hit the turnaround and realize...dang, there are a LOT more people behind me in this race than there are in front of me. Confidence boost #2.
I would say around mile four is where a 10K starts to become a bit of a mental game. Or, it can. A few little doubs began to creep into my head around this point but I'm really proud of myself that I was able to tell myself that my breathing felt fine, my legs had plenty of strength to keep up the pace, and to just zone out and run. I have a bad habit of looking at my watch during races and freaking out a little, but I didn't even look at my watch. I just looked forward, focused on making my stride as efficient as possible...and ran. I could tell I was 'leading' a little pack as I could hear footsteps and see shadows behind me, but no one from our little group passed me. (Although, one little guy that looked like a leprachaun, complete with a beard, did. I bet women run slower because we can't grow beards. Jealous.) I still kept it around 7:40-7:50 pace.
There was one chick that I could see ahead of me wearing a pink jacket and I made it my goal after we passed mile marker 5 to catch her. I started to get nervous about the hill but still just tried to stay in the moment. I did eventually catch the chick in the pink and passed her.
But then....crap. There's a little hill BEFORE the big hill. I wasn't feeling good and could feel my heart rate shoot up. I got scared and nauseous and slowed way down until a guy passed me and patted me encouragingly on the shoulder. This reminded me of how much I love races and how supportive complete strangers can be so I slogged forward. It was around this point that Aaron, Jay and Billy were running down the hill and cheered for me. A quick glance at my watch revealed that I should easily come in under 49 minutes but that I was going to HAVE to suck it up and run to the top of this hill if it was going to happen. Almost there...but then I started to get a little nauseous again and for a split second thought, 'Eff my goal.' Luckily, that didn't last long because Caitlin, Boriana, Allen, Matt and Ben were there to encourage me and I could see the finish line by this point. It wasn't pretty, but I did make it across the finish line at clock time 48:46. Had to bend over and put my hands on my knees and let the nausea pass for a second, then met up with everyone to cheer in Lauren (who ran it in with Sarah and also got a new PR!!) and Scott (who I don't think was thrilled with his time but was happy to have beaten the guy dressed as a penguin).
Pic stolen from Allen...I look rough, but my shoes look cool.
Of course I got some hot chocolate after the race, then it was grub time at Sunny Point and then back to the house to get to business. I'm not going to bore everyone with details but I think we were all pleased with how well the board meeting went. We were able to agree on our mission, come up with our social calendar for the year, and get some preliminary budgeting done. We also had some fun. I'm really glad I got to know everyone a little better this weekend. If one thing can be said about the Charlotte Running Club board, we are definitely all passionate about running and want to promote that.
After business was done, it was time to listen to the Beastie Boys and slide around in our socks. (Ok, that was just Aaron and Matt.) Aaron, Caitlin, Jay and I went to the grocery store for pasta and some of the guys peeled off to go to Nachos and Beer (yep, that's the real name of that place) for nachos and beer and to buy Billy Shue birthday tequila shots. They intelligently stopped after 4 shots and Billy Shue was the man for the rest of the night, inspiring drinking games even.*
*Side note: There were so many good quotes from this weekend that were OH SO INAPPROPRIATE and cannot be shared here. But rest assured, they were funny. I also wish we would have kept a 'That's What She Said' count for the weekend and would like to note that I contributed a couple of the better ones.
This is getting long, so I'm gonna wrap it up with a quick lesson I learned. After discussing how I felt during the race with some of the more elite runners, I realized that they go through the same thoughts I do during a race. And that even when they're happy with their time and obviously know that they're fast, they still finish races wanting more and not being 100% satisfied. I also realized that fast and slow truly ARE relative terms. My time for the race ended up officially being 48:41 and was good enough for 6/84 in my age group and 129/825 finishers. So, for all intents and purposes, I don't think it's conceited of me to say that I ran a 'fast' race. So, the speedwork is already paying off. Maybe I should change the name of this blog...although, maybe not, since I still can't seem to shake the 'I'm slow' feeling. However, I've realized that I had fun during that race and I'm becoming a lot stronger mentally during shorter races and that while half of Charlotte seems to be going distance crazy, I'm not. I think speed can really become a strength of mine and also help me in the future if I do choose to race further distances again. I'm really excited about this year, both as a runner and as a member of the board of Charlotte Running Club.
I haven't written a 'race report' in a while, because I feel like so many are better at it than I am, but I really want to write one about my experiences at the Hot Chocolate 10K in Asheville yesterday. However, in true Emily fashion, I'm going to pull in some other details and also share some lessons I learned from this race and my weekend with my fellow Charlotte Running Club board members.
The weekend started at 5PM Friday afternoon, when Scott picked me up at my house and we hit the road for Asheville. It was an uneventful drive and Scott and I had a good time talking about music on the way up there. I haven't shown my music nerdiness in a while and it was really fun. We arrived at the house just after 7, where we met up with Allen. Allen gave us the tour and Scott, Allen and I ran around the house like we were on The Real World. The first thing we noticed when we walked in the door was a fantastic smell wafting through the air. The owner of the house had MADE US BREAD in the house's breadmaker. Talk about hospitality! The house was just awesome. It had already been pre-decided that the master bedroom would be given to Caitlin and me, because apparently 'dudes don't sleep together.' No complaints here, although we did get some laughs at the sex marks on the wall behind the wrought-iron bed that she and I shared for the weekend. (They were already there, guys, nothing to see here.)
Scott, Allen and I met up with Jay, Caitlin, Matt, Aaron, and Ben for dinner at Asheville Brewing Company. Billy got a bit of a late start and would be meeting us later at the house. The pizza was great and so was the beer (we split a few pitchers of Boogie Down Brown...yum). There was also a comfortable feeling of comaraderie in the air as we joked and talked about movies. No need to get down to business just yet. I knew it was going to be a fun weekend. I commented to Scott and Allen that I appreciated that I kind of felt like one of the guys for the weekend, and it was confirmed that I'm 'cool.' (Whew.)
I showered and crashed after we got back to the house and I slept great. I woke up the next morning, had a bagel with peanut butter and honey, and we caravaned to the race. Scott, Allen and I listened to gangsta rap on the way and confirmed that we are the three whitest people in America. It was COLD outside (somewhere around 22 degrees) but there wasn't much wind and it was a beautiful day. I had opted for capri tights, long sleeve shirt, CRC singlet, two pairs of gloves and a headwarmer and knew that although I was cold at first, this was about right for the temperature.* Also, was wearing my Ronins for the first time in a race. I realized how focused I was on this race as I sat in the backseat of the shuttle on the way to the race. (I was thinking, 'Ahhh ha, hush that fush, everybody move to the back of the bus.') I had ended up telling a few people that I wanted to run sub-49, even though I knew that would be a fairly big PR for me and pretty close to my current 5K PR pace.
*I would be remiss if I didn't mention somewhere that Matt was wearing a short bathrobe that was provided by the house in lieu of warmups.
Packet and chip pickup and bag check went smoothly and I went back outside to warm up. Sadly, warming up before a race is something pretty new to me, too. I had run into Lauren, Boriana, and Sarah at chip pick-up and warmed up for a bit with Lauren and Sarah. We decided to run down and back up (very slowly) the hill that made up the last quarter mile or so of the race. Um...crap. That hill kind of SUCKED. I got pretty nervous and thought about re-adjusting my goal a bit but had heard the rest of the course was pretty flat so I figured surely I'd be able to handle it. I continued a bit of the warm-up by myself and then ran into Allen and he and I trotted around the parking lot a bit.
After drinking a little water and chatting a bit more with the Charlotte crew, it was time to line up. I did something else a little differently at this race and actually lined up fairly near the front. It's time to get some confidence and as it turned out, I started right where I should have been. There were 1000 runners registered, so it was a decent-sized race.
And we're off! First mile was a steep downhill, so I just relaxed into it, opened my stride and let gravity do the work. I knew this was going to be a fast mile but my strategy for the race was to just run by effort level and try not to stress too much about time. After the first mile marker, I was running in a pack with about 3-4 guys. This was weird for me. It felt strange to look ahead of me and only see 1-2 women and lots of guys. I settled in to a pace around 7:45 and realized that while this didn't feel 'easy', it felt better than I'd ever felt running that pace and it certainly felt sustainable for a good amount of time. This gave me some confidence.
The course continued along this one road for a while and around 2.75 miles into the race, the leaders appeared going in the other direction. The two guys in first and second were just hauling ass, it was ridiculous. Aaron appeared shortly after those two guys and it was really cool to see him and be able to yell, 'Go Aaron!' Billy was a few spots back after that, then Matt, then I saw Boriana and Allen as we turned into a park for part of the course. I got so pumped seeing everyone that I picked up the pace a little here and glanced at my watch to see 23:19 when I hit 3.1 miles. Technically, a 5K PR but I knew I wouldn't run as fast on the second half of the course since we didn't have any more big downhills and in fact, that monster hill loomed ahead. It also felt weird to leave the park and hit the turnaround and realize...dang, there are a LOT more people behind me in this race than there are in front of me. Confidence boost #2.
I would say around mile four is where a 10K starts to become a bit of a mental game. Or, it can. A few little doubs began to creep into my head around this point but I'm really proud of myself that I was able to tell myself that my breathing felt fine, my legs had plenty of strength to keep up the pace, and to just zone out and run. I have a bad habit of looking at my watch during races and freaking out a little, but I didn't even look at my watch. I just looked forward, focused on making my stride as efficient as possible...and ran. I could tell I was 'leading' a little pack as I could hear footsteps and see shadows behind me, but no one from our little group passed me. (Although, one little guy that looked like a leprachaun, complete with a beard, did. I bet women run slower because we can't grow beards. Jealous.) I still kept it around 7:40-7:50 pace.
There was one chick that I could see ahead of me wearing a pink jacket and I made it my goal after we passed mile marker 5 to catch her. I started to get nervous about the hill but still just tried to stay in the moment. I did eventually catch the chick in the pink and passed her.
But then....crap. There's a little hill BEFORE the big hill. I wasn't feeling good and could feel my heart rate shoot up. I got scared and nauseous and slowed way down until a guy passed me and patted me encouragingly on the shoulder. This reminded me of how much I love races and how supportive complete strangers can be so I slogged forward. It was around this point that Aaron, Jay and Billy were running down the hill and cheered for me. A quick glance at my watch revealed that I should easily come in under 49 minutes but that I was going to HAVE to suck it up and run to the top of this hill if it was going to happen. Almost there...but then I started to get a little nauseous again and for a split second thought, 'Eff my goal.' Luckily, that didn't last long because Caitlin, Boriana, Allen, Matt and Ben were there to encourage me and I could see the finish line by this point. It wasn't pretty, but I did make it across the finish line at clock time 48:46. Had to bend over and put my hands on my knees and let the nausea pass for a second, then met up with everyone to cheer in Lauren (who ran it in with Sarah and also got a new PR!!) and Scott (who I don't think was thrilled with his time but was happy to have beaten the guy dressed as a penguin).
After business was done, it was time to listen to the Beastie Boys and slide around in our socks. (Ok, that was just Aaron and Matt.) Aaron, Caitlin, Jay and I went to the grocery store for pasta and some of the guys peeled off to go to Nachos and Beer (yep, that's the real name of that place) for nachos and beer and to buy Billy Shue birthday tequila shots. They intelligently stopped after 4 shots and Billy Shue was the man for the rest of the night, inspiring drinking games even.*
*Side note: There were so many good quotes from this weekend that were OH SO INAPPROPRIATE and cannot be shared here. But rest assured, they were funny. I also wish we would have kept a 'That's What She Said' count for the weekend and would like to note that I contributed a couple of the better ones.
This is getting long, so I'm gonna wrap it up with a quick lesson I learned. After discussing how I felt during the race with some of the more elite runners, I realized that they go through the same thoughts I do during a race. And that even when they're happy with their time and obviously know that they're fast, they still finish races wanting more and not being 100% satisfied. I also realized that fast and slow truly ARE relative terms. My time for the race ended up officially being 48:41 and was good enough for 6/84 in my age group and 129/825 finishers. So, for all intents and purposes, I don't think it's conceited of me to say that I ran a 'fast' race. So, the speedwork is already paying off. Maybe I should change the name of this blog...although, maybe not, since I still can't seem to shake the 'I'm slow' feeling. However, I've realized that I had fun during that race and I'm becoming a lot stronger mentally during shorter races and that while half of Charlotte seems to be going distance crazy, I'm not. I think speed can really become a strength of mine and also help me in the future if I do choose to race further distances again. I'm really excited about this year, both as a runner and as a member of the board of Charlotte Running Club.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Lessons From a Kindergartner
One thing (among many) that I love about my job is that my clients typically teach me as much as I teach them. Today was no exception. I do a lot of art activities with my really young kids because it really is a major form of expression for them, not to mention the fact that you just can't sit down with little kids and start talking about deep subjects. Anyone who has even taken Psych 101 should know Piaget's developmental theory that children don't develop abstract thinking until they're in adolescence, sometimes late adolescence. There...do you guys like how I just justified my use of crayons on a daily basis by using my educational prowess?
So, today I was elbows deep in art supplies with one of my regular clients, a 6 year old who lost her father last year to cancer, and I offhandedly made the comment that I felt like there were really a lot of shades of brown crayons. (We were trying to find the perfect shade of green at the time.) My client stopped what she was doing, looked up at me, and said, "Well, if you feel it, then that's how it is." WHOA. That's pretty damn profound. I actually had to stop and sit back with that one for a minute while she found the crayon she wanted and continued coloring. Her statement got me thinking back to grad school, when one of my professors said that a person's perception IS reality to them, whether or not others would consider it to be so. It's usually pointless to try to argue logic in that situation and we can even push people away if we try to do so. I don't mind sharing (nor do I think he would mind me sharing) that my Dad has been dealing with some anxiety lately. Most of the things he identifies as anxiety triggers would be brushed aside by many people as ridiculous. But to him they're real. Because he feels it.
This is a pretty important lesson for most of us, I think. I can personally admit that I've put out some negative energy in my life. I can be judgmental at times. I've been guilty of gossiping. I'm not beating myself up, just stating behaviors that most of us are guilty of at some point and time. But, imagine if everyone could take a lesson from a 6 year old and just say...'It sounds like you're feeling (insert negative emotion). I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm here for you. How can I help?'...instead of judging someone for how they feel. I think most of us just want to be understood in some way.
Ok, so it seems I'm feeling a little Pollyanna today. Well, I am. After a rough patch, things are kind of turning around for me. Work stress has settled and I kind of have a crush on my job...sure, I'd love to make more money but I really love what I do and I adore my coworkers, supervisor and boss. I have never worked somewhere where I was this supported. Running is also going GREAT. I've started off the new year adding a weekly track workout to my schedule and I couldn't be happier about it. I've found the right people to train with...they're dedicated and they push me. I'm scared to set too many goals just yet, but I know my hard work is going to pay off at some races this year. I'm also just genuinely having fun right now....which is good for me, since I tend to struggle with the taking care of myself/having fun balance. I think I've been able to take some life experiences and turn them into learning experiences and I'm just pretty happy with how things are going right now overall.
Wonder what I'll learn tomorrow!
So, today I was elbows deep in art supplies with one of my regular clients, a 6 year old who lost her father last year to cancer, and I offhandedly made the comment that I felt like there were really a lot of shades of brown crayons. (We were trying to find the perfect shade of green at the time.) My client stopped what she was doing, looked up at me, and said, "Well, if you feel it, then that's how it is." WHOA. That's pretty damn profound. I actually had to stop and sit back with that one for a minute while she found the crayon she wanted and continued coloring. Her statement got me thinking back to grad school, when one of my professors said that a person's perception IS reality to them, whether or not others would consider it to be so. It's usually pointless to try to argue logic in that situation and we can even push people away if we try to do so. I don't mind sharing (nor do I think he would mind me sharing) that my Dad has been dealing with some anxiety lately. Most of the things he identifies as anxiety triggers would be brushed aside by many people as ridiculous. But to him they're real. Because he feels it.
This is a pretty important lesson for most of us, I think. I can personally admit that I've put out some negative energy in my life. I can be judgmental at times. I've been guilty of gossiping. I'm not beating myself up, just stating behaviors that most of us are guilty of at some point and time. But, imagine if everyone could take a lesson from a 6 year old and just say...'It sounds like you're feeling (insert negative emotion). I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm here for you. How can I help?'...instead of judging someone for how they feel. I think most of us just want to be understood in some way.
Ok, so it seems I'm feeling a little Pollyanna today. Well, I am. After a rough patch, things are kind of turning around for me. Work stress has settled and I kind of have a crush on my job...sure, I'd love to make more money but I really love what I do and I adore my coworkers, supervisor and boss. I have never worked somewhere where I was this supported. Running is also going GREAT. I've started off the new year adding a weekly track workout to my schedule and I couldn't be happier about it. I've found the right people to train with...they're dedicated and they push me. I'm scared to set too many goals just yet, but I know my hard work is going to pay off at some races this year. I'm also just genuinely having fun right now....which is good for me, since I tend to struggle with the taking care of myself/having fun balance. I think I've been able to take some life experiences and turn them into learning experiences and I'm just pretty happy with how things are going right now overall.
Wonder what I'll learn tomorrow!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Tourists
I've had some conversations and seen some posts about 'the tourists' at the gym, or the hordes of people that flock to the gym ripe with resolutions of getting in shape for the new year. It becomes next to impossible to find a parking spot and one has to arrive at least 30 minutes prior to any spin class in order to get a bike. Sure, it's a bit of a pain, but truly, the 'tourists' don't really bother me. First of all, I'd honestly feel like an asshole complaining about someone doing something to better themselves, even if it doesn't last past March. Also, if you consider yourself enough of a workoutaholic where you think it's ok to refer to someone else as a 'tourist', you can probably deal with a little bit of inconvenience in order to work out. We've all woken up at 5 AM for workouts, ran in the rain, ran in the snow, ran when it's hot as hell, is it really that big of a deal to have to get to the gym a little earlier? Probably not. Also, somewhat selfishly, this time of year probably means some people there in worse shape than I am and then I can OWN my spin and Pilates classes like a champ.
I guess I'm taking this on as an issue because I think about how I've felt at times being referred to as a 'slower' runner. So, I guess to some people, I'm a 'tourist' at running, comparatively. I know enough not to stand near the front at a race, because, well, that would just be stupid and I would consider it well-deserved if I did that and got trampled. But, it got me thinking...what is that magical barrier that determines whether you're 'fast' or not? I've set a goal for myself of running under 22 minutes this year in the 5K distance. I feel like I would consider that fast. And I think I can do it (although, I've got a LOT of work to and have to actually go sub-23 first). But, in the meantime, I hope no one calls me a tourist.
I guess I'm taking this on as an issue because I think about how I've felt at times being referred to as a 'slower' runner. So, I guess to some people, I'm a 'tourist' at running, comparatively. I know enough not to stand near the front at a race, because, well, that would just be stupid and I would consider it well-deserved if I did that and got trampled. But, it got me thinking...what is that magical barrier that determines whether you're 'fast' or not? I've set a goal for myself of running under 22 minutes this year in the 5K distance. I feel like I would consider that fast. And I think I can do it (although, I've got a LOT of work to and have to actually go sub-23 first). But, in the meantime, I hope no one calls me a tourist.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Continuing the Upswing
I think I can say with confidence that something in me has shifted. Today was a big step in the right direction. Today reminded me of something else that I have going in my life that makes me happy: there are moments in my job that truly remind me that I've found my calling. Today was good...it wasn't anything monumental, just a reminder that building relationships is a strength of mine. I had four home visits and they all went well. It actually can be considered a minor victory that all four of them were home and opened the door, but they were actually all positive experiences, too. My heart especially melted when one of my clients, who is in kindergarten, told me he'd been looking out the window waiting for me to arrive when I got there. One of my visits involved completing an assessment on a new client, which is always exciting to me. The counselor-client relationship is something so different than any other relationship and a lot of the time, the initial assessment sets the tone for the entire process. The one today ended with the Dad telling me he was pleased and thought I would be a good fit for his daughter, which is especially satisfying since he's a self-pay client and will be paying in excess of $100 per session.
Whenever I work with a client to set a goal, I always like to ask the question, 'How will we know when...(that goal has been achieved)?' I think it's important to set measurable goals. As we identified goals at the end of today's assessment, it got me thinking about my own goals. I think I do a pretty good job of setting goals for myself, but I don't think I do always do a good job of making them concrete. As far as running goals so, I think I'd like to sit down sometime in the next few days and write out a tentative race schedule and make some plans. I'm too scattered without a plan and I'm craving some consistency right now.
Another goal I have right now is improving my self-confidence. How will I know when I'm making progress on this goal? This is the tough part...but here goes... I've realized that I'm one of the most indecisive people that I know. It's a miracle that I ever make a decision at all. Ever. Seriously, sometimes menus frighten me. Anyone that's facebook friends with me has probably noticed that I change my mind about my running goals weekly. I used to call my periods of indecision 'my little existential crises.' Part of this is just my personality, but part of it indicates a lack of self-confidence. I second-guess myself a lot. I also seek validation a lot. So, for me, an indication that I'm making progress in becoming more self-confident is that I don't have to seek anyone else's opinion when I make a decision. I can just make it and be ok with it. And also not worry if someone is going to judge me because of my decisions. If someone can't accept me for my flaws, then I probably shouldn't be friends with that person anyway.
I've sought a lot of opinions lately and gotten a lot of good advice and for that, I'm thankful. I've also probably been judged a lot lately, too and I've accepted that. There have also been some situations where I thought people were judging me and found out they actually weren't and I'm genuinely appreciative of that, too. I'm currently making some decisions that I feel good about and that's the most important thing. I just have to have faith that if I continue to consistently make choices that I know are positive for me, that good things will continue to happen. I hope so, anyway.
Whenever I work with a client to set a goal, I always like to ask the question, 'How will we know when...(that goal has been achieved)?' I think it's important to set measurable goals. As we identified goals at the end of today's assessment, it got me thinking about my own goals. I think I do a pretty good job of setting goals for myself, but I don't think I do always do a good job of making them concrete. As far as running goals so, I think I'd like to sit down sometime in the next few days and write out a tentative race schedule and make some plans. I'm too scattered without a plan and I'm craving some consistency right now.
Another goal I have right now is improving my self-confidence. How will I know when I'm making progress on this goal? This is the tough part...but here goes... I've realized that I'm one of the most indecisive people that I know. It's a miracle that I ever make a decision at all. Ever. Seriously, sometimes menus frighten me. Anyone that's facebook friends with me has probably noticed that I change my mind about my running goals weekly. I used to call my periods of indecision 'my little existential crises.' Part of this is just my personality, but part of it indicates a lack of self-confidence. I second-guess myself a lot. I also seek validation a lot. So, for me, an indication that I'm making progress in becoming more self-confident is that I don't have to seek anyone else's opinion when I make a decision. I can just make it and be ok with it. And also not worry if someone is going to judge me because of my decisions. If someone can't accept me for my flaws, then I probably shouldn't be friends with that person anyway.
I've sought a lot of opinions lately and gotten a lot of good advice and for that, I'm thankful. I've also probably been judged a lot lately, too and I've accepted that. There have also been some situations where I thought people were judging me and found out they actually weren't and I'm genuinely appreciative of that, too. I'm currently making some decisions that I feel good about and that's the most important thing. I just have to have faith that if I continue to consistently make choices that I know are positive for me, that good things will continue to happen. I hope so, anyway.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Long Overdue
I really have to start doing this again more often. I'm not sure why I can't seem to make myself take the time to sit down and write out my thoughts lately, but I'm going to attribute it to the period of self-destruction I went through recently. Actually, I'm not sure I can even use the term 'went through.' I'm not entirely sure it's done. Mentally, I'm feeling a lot better and my motivation for running and physical activity is definitely back, so I'd say I'm at least on an upswing.
I actually was kind of inspired to sit down and write Monday night but I didn't. I should have. I felt happier Monday night than I've felt in a long time, mainly because I felt some hope return. Looking back over the last month, I really had no reason to actually LOSE hope, but I did. I want to always be someone who can look back and live without regrets, and I also know that regrets are pointless....you know what? Scratch that. Regrets AREN'T pointless. No, we can't change the past (blah blah blah), but if I fuck up, hopefully I don't fuck up again (at least in the exact same way...I actually fuck up all the time). But that isn't what Monday night was about, so I'm going to try to take this one topic at a time. After much anticipation, I received a pair of Mizuno Ronins for Christmas. I figure if I can't be fast, I can at least be as fast as I can be and at the VERY least, look legit trying. Of course, as soon as I opened my shoes, it started to snow and didn't let up for 24 hours, at which point 14" of snow had been dropped in the yard at my parents' house. (LET THE STIR CRAZINESS COMMENCE.) I couldn't even get out of the house until Monday morning, and then it was only to frolick around in snow up to my knees until my toes felt like they were going to fall off.
But then, my saviors (aka the guys that drive the snow plows) arrived and the roads were clear(ish). Finally, I got to play with my Christmas present! I've written before that going home can kind of depress me with how sad and desolate everything looks, but it's a different place when it's covered with snow. I felt like singing 'The hills are aliiiiiive with the sound of music' while I ran, that's how happy I felt. (Which really makes no sense, since northeastern North Carolina is as flat as a pancake.) But, on top of feeling happy, I felt good and strong. I hadn't had a good run in weeks, which I attribute in a large part to 'the period of self-destruction.' It was the type of run that made me feel like I can do something special this year, and even impress people by doing something other than throwing good parties and being able to drink A Lot.
Which leads me to the next topic...I know what makes me happy, why must I insist on rebelling every few months? Just before Thanksgiving, I essentially gave myself permission to 'have fun.' (I use those words loosely.) I figured...I'm not training for anything specific right now, I just ran a crappy marathon, it's cold outside...fuck it, let's party. Except that partying has never really made me happy. Oh, it's fun for a while, but it always leaves me feeling drained and empty after a while. It was especially bad this time. I really messed some things up and lost myself in the process. I don't really have anything else to say on the topic other than I don't ever want to feel that way again. I also don't want to bring anyone else down with me.
So, that brings me back around to the (happy?) conclusion to this rambling hodge-podge of words. As I said earlier, I hope that at the very least, I've learned how not to fuck up again. And here is how I'm going to go about doing that:
1) Stop being selfish. Everything isn't about me and it is very helpful to be able to put myself in someone else's shoes and imagine what they might be going through instead of having a pity party about how crappy I feel.
2) Be more confident. I am awesome and worthy of being cared about and I don't know why I forget that sometimes.
3) Recognize that I don't always have to make peace with everyone. Sometimes you can't be friends with people and that's just how it is.
4) Be more appreciative of my friends. No, really, you guys are the shit.
5) Utilize a healthy coping skill when I'm upset. Exercise works better for me than alcohol. I should know this by now.
6) Stop being so damn scared of getting hurt. Yes, it hurts, that's why it's called 'getting hurt.' But I can handle it and I'm still willing to take some risks.
7) Have a positive outlook. Always. Maybe things won't always work out my way, but I've never heard anything say, 'You know, I spent too much of my life in a good mood.'
Um...I think that's about it for now.
I actually was kind of inspired to sit down and write Monday night but I didn't. I should have. I felt happier Monday night than I've felt in a long time, mainly because I felt some hope return. Looking back over the last month, I really had no reason to actually LOSE hope, but I did. I want to always be someone who can look back and live without regrets, and I also know that regrets are pointless....you know what? Scratch that. Regrets AREN'T pointless. No, we can't change the past (blah blah blah), but if I fuck up, hopefully I don't fuck up again (at least in the exact same way...I actually fuck up all the time). But that isn't what Monday night was about, so I'm going to try to take this one topic at a time. After much anticipation, I received a pair of Mizuno Ronins for Christmas. I figure if I can't be fast, I can at least be as fast as I can be and at the VERY least, look legit trying. Of course, as soon as I opened my shoes, it started to snow and didn't let up for 24 hours, at which point 14" of snow had been dropped in the yard at my parents' house. (LET THE STIR CRAZINESS COMMENCE.) I couldn't even get out of the house until Monday morning, and then it was only to frolick around in snow up to my knees until my toes felt like they were going to fall off.
But then, my saviors (aka the guys that drive the snow plows) arrived and the roads were clear(ish). Finally, I got to play with my Christmas present! I've written before that going home can kind of depress me with how sad and desolate everything looks, but it's a different place when it's covered with snow. I felt like singing 'The hills are aliiiiiive with the sound of music' while I ran, that's how happy I felt. (Which really makes no sense, since northeastern North Carolina is as flat as a pancake.) But, on top of feeling happy, I felt good and strong. I hadn't had a good run in weeks, which I attribute in a large part to 'the period of self-destruction.' It was the type of run that made me feel like I can do something special this year, and even impress people by doing something other than throwing good parties and being able to drink A Lot.
Which leads me to the next topic...I know what makes me happy, why must I insist on rebelling every few months? Just before Thanksgiving, I essentially gave myself permission to 'have fun.' (I use those words loosely.) I figured...I'm not training for anything specific right now, I just ran a crappy marathon, it's cold outside...fuck it, let's party. Except that partying has never really made me happy. Oh, it's fun for a while, but it always leaves me feeling drained and empty after a while. It was especially bad this time. I really messed some things up and lost myself in the process. I don't really have anything else to say on the topic other than I don't ever want to feel that way again. I also don't want to bring anyone else down with me.
So, that brings me back around to the (happy?) conclusion to this rambling hodge-podge of words. As I said earlier, I hope that at the very least, I've learned how not to fuck up again. And here is how I'm going to go about doing that:
1) Stop being selfish. Everything isn't about me and it is very helpful to be able to put myself in someone else's shoes and imagine what they might be going through instead of having a pity party about how crappy I feel.
2) Be more confident. I am awesome and worthy of being cared about and I don't know why I forget that sometimes.
3) Recognize that I don't always have to make peace with everyone. Sometimes you can't be friends with people and that's just how it is.
4) Be more appreciative of my friends. No, really, you guys are the shit.
5) Utilize a healthy coping skill when I'm upset. Exercise works better for me than alcohol. I should know this by now.
6) Stop being so damn scared of getting hurt. Yes, it hurts, that's why it's called 'getting hurt.' But I can handle it and I'm still willing to take some risks.
7) Have a positive outlook. Always. Maybe things won't always work out my way, but I've never heard anything say, 'You know, I spent too much of my life in a good mood.'
Um...I think that's about it for now.
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