Moments

I'm blogging again! I decided to stop posting at my old blog site because it started being all about who could get the most comments and the most attention and that's not why I write. But I've been really missing it. I like how grounded I feel after sitting in front of my computer with just me and whatever I'm feeling at the time. I have a hard time slowing down my thoughts and writing gives me time to organize whatever the heck it is that goes on upstairs. Although, actually, for anyone that chooses to read what I write, it probably won't be that organized. Occasionally, I'll write something well thought out, but mostly I just kind of ramble and try to make some sense. Maybe at least to myself, if not to anyone else.


Anyway, I really decided I wanted to start a blog again while out running on a random Tuesday evening. I went into that run thinking that I'd run six miles, my legs telling me that they really didn't even want to run, but my heart telling me to just suck it up and see what the hell happened. My legs felt like concrete for the first couple of miles and they were still tired from my first trail half marathon (actually, my trail race at all ever...) two days prior. But it was gorgeous outside, I actually had nowhere to be that night, I was pissed at myself for sleeping in that morning instead of dragging myself out of bed to run, and I had this weird restless stirring that told me to keep going. So, I stretched a bit and kept going and eventually the legs started feeling better.


So, that's the boring stuff. Here's the part I really want to write about. I started thinking on this run about how running is made up of moments. Many of us write race reports and workout recaps and inevitably include some of our thoughts and feelings that occur during these events. But, it would literally be impossible to capture every thought and feeling that occur during a single workout. So, instead, we focus on the moments during a run that stand out to us. I remember one particular moment during my trail race where I was filled with absolute joy. Like, kid in a candy store, shit-eating grin on my face, bliss. I can't even explain why. I just know I want to feel that again. There was a moment on this random Tuesday run where I got a lump in my throat and actually started crying. I'm still not sure why that happened. I know that I was thinking about a text I'd received that morning from my former boss that a client I'd had at my first post-grad school job had been killed following an attempted robbery. It's weird...I mean, I hadn't even seen the guy in about four years. I think it just hit me how much of myself I'd put into being a substance abuse counselor, how hard it been for me, how cynical I'd become, and how frustrating it was to hear that years later, this guy was still out robbing people and that it had led to the loss of his life.


I ended up running ten miles that evening, which is pretty long for me for a middle of the week training run. But that emotional moment really only comprised about five minutes of that entire run. And yet, it's the one I remember. Sorry...I don't know what my splits were. I don't really remember how my breathing felt. Guess this just isn't going to be that kind of blog.