I think I can say with confidence that something in me has shifted. Today was a big step in the right direction. Today reminded me of something else that I have going in my life that makes me happy: there are moments in my job that truly remind me that I've found my calling. Today was good...it wasn't anything monumental, just a reminder that building relationships is a strength of mine. I had four home visits and they all went well. It actually can be considered a minor victory that all four of them were home and opened the door, but they were actually all positive experiences, too. My heart especially melted when one of my clients, who is in kindergarten, told me he'd been looking out the window waiting for me to arrive when I got there. One of my visits involved completing an assessment on a new client, which is always exciting to me. The counselor-client relationship is something so different than any other relationship and a lot of the time, the initial assessment sets the tone for the entire process. The one today ended with the Dad telling me he was pleased and thought I would be a good fit for his daughter, which is especially satisfying since he's a self-pay client and will be paying in excess of $100 per session.
Whenever I work with a client to set a goal, I always like to ask the question, 'How will we know when...(that goal has been achieved)?' I think it's important to set measurable goals. As we identified goals at the end of today's assessment, it got me thinking about my own goals. I think I do a pretty good job of setting goals for myself, but I don't think I do always do a good job of making them concrete. As far as running goals so, I think I'd like to sit down sometime in the next few days and write out a tentative race schedule and make some plans. I'm too scattered without a plan and I'm craving some consistency right now.
Another goal I have right now is improving my self-confidence. How will I know when I'm making progress on this goal? This is the tough part...but here goes... I've realized that I'm one of the most indecisive people that I know. It's a miracle that I ever make a decision at all. Ever. Seriously, sometimes menus frighten me. Anyone that's facebook friends with me has probably noticed that I change my mind about my running goals weekly. I used to call my periods of indecision 'my little existential crises.' Part of this is just my personality, but part of it indicates a lack of self-confidence. I second-guess myself a lot. I also seek validation a lot. So, for me, an indication that I'm making progress in becoming more self-confident is that I don't have to seek anyone else's opinion when I make a decision. I can just make it and be ok with it. And also not worry if someone is going to judge me because of my decisions. If someone can't accept me for my flaws, then I probably shouldn't be friends with that person anyway.
I've sought a lot of opinions lately and gotten a lot of good advice and for that, I'm thankful. I've also probably been judged a lot lately, too and I've accepted that. There have also been some situations where I thought people were judging me and found out they actually weren't and I'm genuinely appreciative of that, too. I'm currently making some decisions that I feel good about and that's the most important thing. I just have to have faith that if I continue to consistently make choices that I know are positive for me, that good things will continue to happen. I hope so, anyway.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Long Overdue
I really have to start doing this again more often. I'm not sure why I can't seem to make myself take the time to sit down and write out my thoughts lately, but I'm going to attribute it to the period of self-destruction I went through recently. Actually, I'm not sure I can even use the term 'went through.' I'm not entirely sure it's done. Mentally, I'm feeling a lot better and my motivation for running and physical activity is definitely back, so I'd say I'm at least on an upswing.
I actually was kind of inspired to sit down and write Monday night but I didn't. I should have. I felt happier Monday night than I've felt in a long time, mainly because I felt some hope return. Looking back over the last month, I really had no reason to actually LOSE hope, but I did. I want to always be someone who can look back and live without regrets, and I also know that regrets are pointless....you know what? Scratch that. Regrets AREN'T pointless. No, we can't change the past (blah blah blah), but if I fuck up, hopefully I don't fuck up again (at least in the exact same way...I actually fuck up all the time). But that isn't what Monday night was about, so I'm going to try to take this one topic at a time. After much anticipation, I received a pair of Mizuno Ronins for Christmas. I figure if I can't be fast, I can at least be as fast as I can be and at the VERY least, look legit trying. Of course, as soon as I opened my shoes, it started to snow and didn't let up for 24 hours, at which point 14" of snow had been dropped in the yard at my parents' house. (LET THE STIR CRAZINESS COMMENCE.) I couldn't even get out of the house until Monday morning, and then it was only to frolick around in snow up to my knees until my toes felt like they were going to fall off.
But then, my saviors (aka the guys that drive the snow plows) arrived and the roads were clear(ish). Finally, I got to play with my Christmas present! I've written before that going home can kind of depress me with how sad and desolate everything looks, but it's a different place when it's covered with snow. I felt like singing 'The hills are aliiiiiive with the sound of music' while I ran, that's how happy I felt. (Which really makes no sense, since northeastern North Carolina is as flat as a pancake.) But, on top of feeling happy, I felt good and strong. I hadn't had a good run in weeks, which I attribute in a large part to 'the period of self-destruction.' It was the type of run that made me feel like I can do something special this year, and even impress people by doing something other than throwing good parties and being able to drink A Lot.
Which leads me to the next topic...I know what makes me happy, why must I insist on rebelling every few months? Just before Thanksgiving, I essentially gave myself permission to 'have fun.' (I use those words loosely.) I figured...I'm not training for anything specific right now, I just ran a crappy marathon, it's cold outside...fuck it, let's party. Except that partying has never really made me happy. Oh, it's fun for a while, but it always leaves me feeling drained and empty after a while. It was especially bad this time. I really messed some things up and lost myself in the process. I don't really have anything else to say on the topic other than I don't ever want to feel that way again. I also don't want to bring anyone else down with me.
So, that brings me back around to the (happy?) conclusion to this rambling hodge-podge of words. As I said earlier, I hope that at the very least, I've learned how not to fuck up again. And here is how I'm going to go about doing that:
1) Stop being selfish. Everything isn't about me and it is very helpful to be able to put myself in someone else's shoes and imagine what they might be going through instead of having a pity party about how crappy I feel.
2) Be more confident. I am awesome and worthy of being cared about and I don't know why I forget that sometimes.
3) Recognize that I don't always have to make peace with everyone. Sometimes you can't be friends with people and that's just how it is.
4) Be more appreciative of my friends. No, really, you guys are the shit.
5) Utilize a healthy coping skill when I'm upset. Exercise works better for me than alcohol. I should know this by now.
6) Stop being so damn scared of getting hurt. Yes, it hurts, that's why it's called 'getting hurt.' But I can handle it and I'm still willing to take some risks.
7) Have a positive outlook. Always. Maybe things won't always work out my way, but I've never heard anything say, 'You know, I spent too much of my life in a good mood.'
Um...I think that's about it for now.
I actually was kind of inspired to sit down and write Monday night but I didn't. I should have. I felt happier Monday night than I've felt in a long time, mainly because I felt some hope return. Looking back over the last month, I really had no reason to actually LOSE hope, but I did. I want to always be someone who can look back and live without regrets, and I also know that regrets are pointless....you know what? Scratch that. Regrets AREN'T pointless. No, we can't change the past (blah blah blah), but if I fuck up, hopefully I don't fuck up again (at least in the exact same way...I actually fuck up all the time). But that isn't what Monday night was about, so I'm going to try to take this one topic at a time. After much anticipation, I received a pair of Mizuno Ronins for Christmas. I figure if I can't be fast, I can at least be as fast as I can be and at the VERY least, look legit trying. Of course, as soon as I opened my shoes, it started to snow and didn't let up for 24 hours, at which point 14" of snow had been dropped in the yard at my parents' house. (LET THE STIR CRAZINESS COMMENCE.) I couldn't even get out of the house until Monday morning, and then it was only to frolick around in snow up to my knees until my toes felt like they were going to fall off.
But then, my saviors (aka the guys that drive the snow plows) arrived and the roads were clear(ish). Finally, I got to play with my Christmas present! I've written before that going home can kind of depress me with how sad and desolate everything looks, but it's a different place when it's covered with snow. I felt like singing 'The hills are aliiiiiive with the sound of music' while I ran, that's how happy I felt. (Which really makes no sense, since northeastern North Carolina is as flat as a pancake.) But, on top of feeling happy, I felt good and strong. I hadn't had a good run in weeks, which I attribute in a large part to 'the period of self-destruction.' It was the type of run that made me feel like I can do something special this year, and even impress people by doing something other than throwing good parties and being able to drink A Lot.
Which leads me to the next topic...I know what makes me happy, why must I insist on rebelling every few months? Just before Thanksgiving, I essentially gave myself permission to 'have fun.' (I use those words loosely.) I figured...I'm not training for anything specific right now, I just ran a crappy marathon, it's cold outside...fuck it, let's party. Except that partying has never really made me happy. Oh, it's fun for a while, but it always leaves me feeling drained and empty after a while. It was especially bad this time. I really messed some things up and lost myself in the process. I don't really have anything else to say on the topic other than I don't ever want to feel that way again. I also don't want to bring anyone else down with me.
So, that brings me back around to the (happy?) conclusion to this rambling hodge-podge of words. As I said earlier, I hope that at the very least, I've learned how not to fuck up again. And here is how I'm going to go about doing that:
1) Stop being selfish. Everything isn't about me and it is very helpful to be able to put myself in someone else's shoes and imagine what they might be going through instead of having a pity party about how crappy I feel.
2) Be more confident. I am awesome and worthy of being cared about and I don't know why I forget that sometimes.
3) Recognize that I don't always have to make peace with everyone. Sometimes you can't be friends with people and that's just how it is.
4) Be more appreciative of my friends. No, really, you guys are the shit.
5) Utilize a healthy coping skill when I'm upset. Exercise works better for me than alcohol. I should know this by now.
6) Stop being so damn scared of getting hurt. Yes, it hurts, that's why it's called 'getting hurt.' But I can handle it and I'm still willing to take some risks.
7) Have a positive outlook. Always. Maybe things won't always work out my way, but I've never heard anything say, 'You know, I spent too much of my life in a good mood.'
Um...I think that's about it for now.
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