So, I like metaphors...

When I was a kid, my family and I used to play softball in our front yard. There's a semi-circle driveway that goes around my parents' house and I remember that if I was able to hit the ball far enough to go to the other driveway, I was pretty proud of myself and if I hit it past the other driveway and almost into the field  beside the house, I was pretty sure I was headed for the Olympic softball team one day. Being home for Thanksgiving earlier this week, I realized how tiny that yard actually is.

Sadly, that pretty much sums up how I feel about going home. Going home and taking it easy for a couple of days no longer relaxes and rejuvenates me the way it used to. It actually leaves me kind of depressed. It makes me wonder if Northampton County always looked so sad and desolate and I just didn't realize it as a kid because it was all I knew. Every time I go home, my Dad inevitably makes some kind of comment about wishing I lived a little closer. I can't even imagine what life would be like there.

Being from a psychology background, my experience at home this week made me think about the nature vs. nurture argument. No one side of this debate will ever win and ultimately, I believe it's a continuum and we all fall in different places along the spectrum. Somehow I've ended up with completely different values and beliefs than my parents, even though I grew up surrounded by their views on life. I've always kind of had this feeling that although I do think my parents did a great job raising me, on some level, I would have turned out the same regardless. But I've seen environment play a huge role in people's lives as well. I've worked with kids who changed completely as soon as they were placed in a safe, supportive atmosphere. However, I think a lot of people tend to rely on the nurture argument to excuse their behavior. I remember one particular client that kept spouting out racist comments. Being a therapist, unconditional positive regard is first and foremost, but it was tough for me to keep my cool when this guy explained that he had 'gotten his beliefs from his father.' What was this guy in therapy for? Anger management and a couple of assault charges, of course, so I was able to (non-judgmentally) help this guy recognize that when you carry around hate all the time, it's going to affect your level of anger.

Anyway, there were some bright spots on the trip home. I was able to run a few miles with my cousin on Thanksgiving Day and had a good conversation during the run. I hope we can run together at Christmas, too. Thanksgiving morning, my Dad took me for a ride in his new truck so he could show me every bell and whistle on it and have some good father-daughter heart to heart chat time. My Dad deserves to have something nice and I'm also glad he feels like he can talk to me on an adult level.

Sadly, though, overall this week has left me feeling a bit down on myself. Running hasn't felt that great this week and I'm not sure I can PR at the Thunder Road Half and not sure I want to pay to do it if I can't. I'm tired of feeling like I throw myself into things and am unable to reap the benefits (running and otherwise).

To at least end this blog on a positive note (and since it's Thanksgiving week), one thing I'm extremely thankful for is my friends. I have some really great people in my life...friends I can talk to, friends that I have fun with, friends to run with, friends that know my weaknesses and still accept me. More than likely, if you're reading this, you're included in that group somewhere and thank you.

Where I get mad at myself for being emo and put on my big girl panties.

Yeah, I have no idea what got into me yesterday. I can't even blame it on hormones. I genuinely don't know what it was. All I really know to say is that overall, I think that I can describe myself as a pretty happy, upbeat, enthusiastic person. As a matter of fact, my 'enthusiasm' was identified as one of my biggest strengths at my recent job performance review. But even happy people have their down days. I'd probably describe how I felt yesterday as overwhelmed. (I'm a freakin' therapist and that's all I can come up with?) It actually felt strangely kind of good to just let myself be in a bad mood...I tend to take it upon myself to be there for everyone else and stay positive most of the time. Well, sometimes I want to be pissy and I want people to listen to me (or read about my pissiness), too.

The good news is that I'm over it. I had this really productive day...I actually went to bed early last night and woke up at 4 AM and got all kinds of stuff done for work. I had a good day at work. Going back to working with kids was so the right decision. Working with substance abusers typically left me feeling more cynical and angry at the world and kids have this way of making me think that the world is all sunshine and rainbows and bunnies. (And Play-Doh, of course, because Play-Doh is the shit.)

And, since I like to be honest when I sit down and write, part of getting over it is admitting what some of the root of the problem is. I've been watching a lot of friends just kill it lately at races and that hasn't happened to me in a long time. Simply put, I'm jealous. Don't get me wrong, I am also truly, genuinely happy for these people and if you ever hear me tell you congratulations or see me leave a congratulory facebook comment, I mean it beyond a shadow of a doubt. It's just time for me to figure out what works for me, too. But as Scott reminded me yesterday, there are plenty of people that would look at what I've accomplished over the last year as something epic. I think that what all this jealousy really means is that I've reached a point in my life where I've surrounded myself with some pretty badass people. So, I accept my position as a badass-in-training. I will try to join the ranks soon.

Another thing that has me a little fired up today is reading the comments about CRC on the Run with Theoden facebook page. We've got some great ideas and some good energy flowing right now and I'm excited to be a part of that. I think we're setting the bar high and I really want to live up to those expectations.

So, really, things have been going pretty well for me lately. Up next: running enough this week to justify everything I want to eat at my Mom's house for Thanksgiving, putting up my Christmas tree, running a respectable time at the Thunder Road half, figuring out some New Year's plans, and making some big adjustments to my training in 2011.

Yes, I know I haven't written ANYTHING in ages and I also know that I have nothing productive to say here. (Don't judge me.)

I'm in a weird funk today. I'm bummed out about a lot of things...I'm (still) bummed out about how much I sucked at MCM, I'm bummed out that Karin got hurt today in Philly, I'm bummed out about the injustices of the world, I'm bummed out I don't have more money, and I'm bummed out I can't fix everything for everyone all the time. (How's that for an irrational thought, Aaron Beck?)

Figured a trail run would break me out of the funk, since that usually makes me happy. Ran with Scott at Francis J. Beatty. I'd never run there before and I liked it and would definitely run there again. Unfortunately, Scott turned his ankle on a root and had to limp it in at the end. Bummed about that, too. Frick. (Am I just bad luck today?) Also, this dog was out there without a collar that appeared to belong to no one and and just kept running circles around Scott and I. No idea why this bothered me as much as it did. I actually like dogs. It just kept distracting me when I strangely wanted to feel focused today.

I think I'm also going to use this post to talk about how much I don't want to do another marathon for some time. I know people are going to try to pressure me into it. I've already had several people ask me why I don't want to. The simplest answer I can come up with is this: I don't like them. I'm glad I ran two this year and proved to myself that I can go from a Bojangle's-eating-at-least-once-a-week, partying-too-hard, smoker to what I would consider a moderately serious runner. Cool. I needed to know I could do that. But, guess what? No one says you have to run multiple marathons a year to be a runner. Running is definitely a huge part of my life now and that's not changing. But I really want to use this year to find out what I'm good at, and more importantly, what makes me happiest. Maybe it's trail running. Maybe it's busting my ass to get better at 5K's. (I actually think that might be what it is. Also, this is a hell of a lot cheaper.)

This entry is completely devoid of linear thought, so here goes. I have this confession to make. Occasionally I worry that people that can run fast will not want to be my friend if I never run any faster. Of course, then I tell myself that's silly. (Or, is it?)

Hmm, alright, clearly feeling kind of vulnerable today so I'm going to stop writing before I write something that I'm going to regret.