I've been wanting to sit down and update the blog for a little while now but just haven't found the right time. I had planned on writing a full race recap of Cupid's Cup and then that night went to shit and I just didn't feel up to it.
But...I'm happy about that race and always will be. Sure, Cupid's Cup is an 'easy' course and lots of people got PR's that day but for me, what made that race so great wasn't even really specifically my time, but the fact that I ran that race with confidence, felt great, finished with a lot in the tank, and surpassed my expectations. Metaphorically, that race lit a fire under my ass and left me with the confidence to push even harder. Sadly, the one person that I wanted to be happy for me and impressed just...wasn't. But, such is life.
So, it's been a rough couple of weeks. On the positive side, the 'old' Emily would have likely crumbled under the pressure or sunk deeply into an apathetic state. Instead, I'm happy to say that the modern version of me allowed myself to feel deeply some things I needed to feel and then...found some positive ways to deal. It feels good not to feel apathy. It feels good to want to be good at what I do. It feels good to experience some meaning in life.
On the other hand, not feeling apathy means finding a way to balance the roller coaster of emotions I'm experiencing again at work. I'm learning to hold it together when I need to and then let it out when I'm alone if it needs to happen. Before I started writing tonight, I actually had a little emotional meltdown as I thought about this one kid that's on my caseload. Tears are streaming down my face again as I write this sentence because I'm just so scared and saddened for this kid. And I feel helpless. I know that I'm not the appropriate person to work with this kid. I know that my job is basically to find him the resources he needs and then kick him off my caseload. Not because I don't care about him, but because he needs so much more than I can give him. This kid has a seizure disorder and the seizures were basically controlled with medication...until recently. After a scary episode in my office a couple of weeks ago, the school nurse informed me it was just 'pre-seizure activity' he experienced while with me and was 'nothing to worry about.' A doctor visit earlier this week confirmed that he is actually having seizures and they're now occurring approximately ten times a day. I don't even know how to begin to describe what's going on with this kid, but suffice it to say, it's progress if he participates in an activity. It's major progress if he smiles while doing it. I don't know exactly what I'm accomplishing with this kid, but I know he likes me. And more importantly, I know he trusts me.
So, when the jerking began again today, I felt a little more prepared because hey, I can't cry in front of him like I'm doing right now. He needs to know it's ok and that I'm there to help and support him. The hard part is, he's getting more and more scared every time it happens. Today, in my office, he fell and pulled a box of toys down with him when it happened. When the tremors passed, he jumped up and went straight into my arms. Usually, I have some pretty major boundaries when it comes to touch with clients, but this time I didn't care. At this point, I know that all I can do is keep doing my best and continue working toward getting this kid the testing and resources he needs. Meltdown over...I feel better.
So, the coping thing has been pretty ok. I work...hard. And I run hard, too. My legs feel like trash right now but I'm satisfied. I feel motivated and I like that. If nothing else, I want to prove something to myself this year.
In the meantime, sometimes I just have to remember to breathe.
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