I really have to start doing this again more often. I'm not sure why I can't seem to make myself take the time to sit down and write out my thoughts lately, but I'm going to attribute it to the period of self-destruction I went through recently. Actually, I'm not sure I can even use the term 'went through.' I'm not entirely sure it's done. Mentally, I'm feeling a lot better and my motivation for running and physical activity is definitely back, so I'd say I'm at least on an upswing.
I actually was kind of inspired to sit down and write Monday night but I didn't. I should have. I felt happier Monday night than I've felt in a long time, mainly because I felt some hope return. Looking back over the last month, I really had no reason to actually LOSE hope, but I did. I want to always be someone who can look back and live without regrets, and I also know that regrets are pointless....you know what? Scratch that. Regrets AREN'T pointless. No, we can't change the past (blah blah blah), but if I fuck up, hopefully I don't fuck up again (at least in the exact same way...I actually fuck up all the time). But that isn't what Monday night was about, so I'm going to try to take this one topic at a time. After much anticipation, I received a pair of Mizuno Ronins for Christmas. I figure if I can't be fast, I can at least be as fast as I can be and at the VERY least, look legit trying. Of course, as soon as I opened my shoes, it started to snow and didn't let up for 24 hours, at which point 14" of snow had been dropped in the yard at my parents' house. (LET THE STIR CRAZINESS COMMENCE.) I couldn't even get out of the house until Monday morning, and then it was only to frolick around in snow up to my knees until my toes felt like they were going to fall off.
But then, my saviors (aka the guys that drive the snow plows) arrived and the roads were clear(ish). Finally, I got to play with my Christmas present! I've written before that going home can kind of depress me with how sad and desolate everything looks, but it's a different place when it's covered with snow. I felt like singing 'The hills are aliiiiiive with the sound of music' while I ran, that's how happy I felt. (Which really makes no sense, since northeastern North Carolina is as flat as a pancake.) But, on top of feeling happy, I felt good and strong. I hadn't had a good run in weeks, which I attribute in a large part to 'the period of self-destruction.' It was the type of run that made me feel like I can do something special this year, and even impress people by doing something other than throwing good parties and being able to drink A Lot.
Which leads me to the next topic...I know what makes me happy, why must I insist on rebelling every few months? Just before Thanksgiving, I essentially gave myself permission to 'have fun.' (I use those words loosely.) I figured...I'm not training for anything specific right now, I just ran a crappy marathon, it's cold outside...fuck it, let's party. Except that partying has never really made me happy. Oh, it's fun for a while, but it always leaves me feeling drained and empty after a while. It was especially bad this time. I really messed some things up and lost myself in the process. I don't really have anything else to say on the topic other than I don't ever want to feel that way again. I also don't want to bring anyone else down with me.
So, that brings me back around to the (happy?) conclusion to this rambling hodge-podge of words. As I said earlier, I hope that at the very least, I've learned how not to fuck up again. And here is how I'm going to go about doing that:
1) Stop being selfish. Everything isn't about me and it is very helpful to be able to put myself in someone else's shoes and imagine what they might be going through instead of having a pity party about how crappy I feel.
2) Be more confident. I am awesome and worthy of being cared about and I don't know why I forget that sometimes.
3) Recognize that I don't always have to make peace with everyone. Sometimes you can't be friends with people and that's just how it is.
4) Be more appreciative of my friends. No, really, you guys are the shit.
5) Utilize a healthy coping skill when I'm upset. Exercise works better for me than alcohol. I should know this by now.
6) Stop being so damn scared of getting hurt. Yes, it hurts, that's why it's called 'getting hurt.' But I can handle it and I'm still willing to take some risks.
7) Have a positive outlook. Always. Maybe things won't always work out my way, but I've never heard anything say, 'You know, I spent too much of my life in a good mood.'
Um...I think that's about it for now.
I couldn't comment on your other entry to say this, but I struggle with decision making as well. Somewhat different than how you explained it, but I can relate to your frustration a little.
ReplyDeleteI do think your idea of making decisions on your own, without seeking approval (validation? confirmation? whatever you call it) from others, is a good one. There's nothing wrong with getting insight from trusted sources but too much feedback, from too many people can only worsen the decision making process, at least that’s the conclusion I’ve come to in recent years.
Anyway, hang in there. This is a weird time of year for most people (post holiday-winter blues & such) so I don’t think you’re alone in your funky feeling (if nothing else, I’m at least right there with you!).